and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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