my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
