Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you didnt know i had herpes?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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