my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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