Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
