so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
