not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
