In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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