another moral hangover. fuck.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
