dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
