Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
