they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
