if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
