What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
