My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
