Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
