Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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