Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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