I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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