I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
