Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
