he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
