she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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