i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
