Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
