bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
