Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
