new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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