It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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