matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
