Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
