this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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