I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would ride that face into the sunset
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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