I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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