Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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