Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
