Just cropdusted the office
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All the doctor said was why
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
