Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
