somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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