I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just had sex on a roof
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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