Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
