Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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