and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
