Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Fuck appropriateness.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
