i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
