apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
