She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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