Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Boobs speak an international language.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
