we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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