i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
